A Life in Entropy
by metal-mako-dragon
Summary: Because there was no peace without war, no hate without love. Because he wanted to hold on to his integrity. Because he hated that Shepard was always right. Because time marched on with no thought for them. Because he wanted to hate the man for saving him but couldn't. Because he missed him. These were but a few of the reasons Kaidan Alenko felt his existence slipping into decay.
1. And then there were Two

**AN:** This is Part 2 of an ongoing series, starting with my other story 'The Essence of Control', so this might not make much sense without reading that one first.

**Chapter 1**

** And then there were Two **

There weren't many occasions that Kaidan could say he'd been chauffeured anywhere. He was used to associating shuttles with dropping him into danger, or pulling him out at the last minute. This, on the other hand, was a complete contrast. A shuttle as a luxury, taking him to a military award ceremony, dressed up like he'd only ever seen his superiors dressed, sitting in the back of the Council's own private shuttlecraft, which had been sent to pick them up personally from the Normandy, still in dock, was something he thought he could get used to.

"Don't get excited," Shepard said as he scrolled down the datapad he held in his left hand, his right arm now out of its sling and healed but still a little tender, "it's not as great as it sounds."

"So you say," Kaidan countered with a grin, tapping his feet as he sat, watching the man across from him even as Shepard kept his eyes on his work, "just because you don't like the attention."

"I can handle the attention," Shepard said wryly, "it's the pandering and falsity I can't stand. It would have been helpful if they had given us this kind of support and admiration a month ago. You know, when it was useful."

"Oh come on Shepard, can't you just clock off for a minute?" Kaidan reduced his grin to a smile, adjusting his body to compensate as the shuttle rocked slightly, "Does everything have to be so practical?"

He really should have known what he had walked into when he said it. Shepard seemed to delight in taking any moment to make Kaidan ill at ease, so much so that he was beginning to think it his Commander's favourite hobby. It was with lascivious slowness that Shepard looked away from his datapad and ran his eyes over Kaidan's body until the observed man began to feel involuntarily hot under the collar. Kaidan cleared his throat and looked away, fiddling with the cufflinks on his dress shirt. He saw Shepard smirk out of the corner of his eye.

"Not everything, Lieutenant," he said softly, returning his eyes to his work, "you look good in your dress blues."

"Yes, well," Kaidan said as he composed himself, "I wouldn't say that's entirely appropriate for the situation, would you?"

"Oh I don't know," Shepard shrugged, "I've never had sex in the back of an executive shuttlecraft before."

"Shepard!" Kaidan couldn't help but exclaim.

"Just a statement of fact, Lieutenant," Shepard said casually.

* * *

In truth he'd hoped he could have held onto the illusion that this would be an enjoyable occasion for just a little longer. He had lost sight of Shepard after about forty minutes or so and hadn't seen him since. After that things started to come back into focus somewhat, seemed to lose their lustre. After an hour and a half of hobnobbing with the higher up's, the rich and the influential citizens of the Citadel who had come to offer their support, Kaidan would admit that it completely lost its charm.

The demure lighting, the wonderful catering, the fancy drinks, the (sometimes) intelligent conversation, the constant attention that Shepard so loathed...shouldn't it have felt better? Shouldn't he have enjoyed it more? The champagne he was drinking had taken a week to travel to the Citadel, all the way from Earth just so they could call it authentic. The food was perhaps the most extravagant thing he had eaten in years, with fresh ingredients, wonderful cuts of meat cured in spices and herbs, unlike the 'food' on the Normandy which consisted generally of slop. Everyone kept telling him how grateful they were, how much they were in debt to him. He'd never had this kind of recognition from anyone, superiors notwithstanding, and it was...it was nice. It was justification, to the more naive part of his personality.

It was vindicating.

It just wasn't enough. After the medals were doled out and the party continued, Kaidan found himself walking away from the crowds to stand before the memorial wall which had been erected by the doorway, a model of the one which was being planned for the Presidium. He held his champagne but he did not drink it.

It wasn't as sudden a shift as he'd thought it would be, from enjoying himself blindly to realising that his surroundings were nothing more than a show. He stared at the names and realised that he recognised too many of them. The chatter fell to background noise and the cold stem of the expensive glass in his hand became cheap. It wasn't right but then he'd known, somewhere inside, that it hadn't been from the start. In fact it never had been. He could only fool himself for so long before reality crept up to remind him what was important.

He'd become stuck on a memory, a recent memory which now seemed absurdly long ago. He remembered how long he had worked, how hard he and the Normandy engineers had struggled to overhaul their weapons before the final push, forced to cannibalise parts from the ship herself just in order to survive. It had been painstaking and it had been exhausting. All of the measly budget they had blown on new models which they never even got a chance to see as the Citadel had turned its back on them and it had been nothing compared to this. Instead of offering help they had been declared traitors, yet in the next moment they were heroes. It wasn't the hypocritical taciturnity that bothered him as much as the bare-faced showmanship that this ceremony represented by comparison.

Nearly a thousand humans and aliens were dead, military and civilian casualties; a number so much higher than it should have been. So many avoidable, senseless deaths. What did each of them mean, staring outwards from the plaque on which they now rested? Could he equate a person's life to a piece of physical material? He looked to the glass in his hand. How much would this have bought us? He wondered as he watched the bubbles rise and burst ecstatically against the air. All these lives reduced to names on a memorial and for what? So that they could look back on a supposed victory and celebrate not being dead? So they could continue to ignore the threat that had been implied by Sovereign and bury their heads in the sand?

He placed his glass on the tray of a passing waiter. Leaving was absurdly easy. He'd been expecting people to notice his absence but it seemed that they weren't truly as interested as they had pretended they were. He had taken a moment to look for Shepard but couldn't find his Commander anywhere. He wasn't about to start asking around in case it got Shepard into trouble, or him for that matter. It was colder outside, despite the automatic climate controls. It made him feel marginally better, yet he was still edgy and felt somewhat lost. Everything was disjointed in his mind, nothing seemed to fit seamlessly together. He just wanted things to be simple, just for a little while. That was all he needed. I may as well wish for universal peace while I'm at it, Kaidan thought facetiously as he walked along the Presidium and watched the water sparkle in the fake moonlight. The damage to the structures, the shop fronts and the sculptures, the charred walkways and the broken rubble beneath the water, it all seemed bleaker under the guise of the dimmed night, the projected moonlight coating everything an odd, homogenous white. It looked dead, like the inside of some massive skeleton, some long dead animal. Something that was destined to go extinct.

Returning to the Normandy seemed like a good idea, yet he didn't. There had been rooms made up for them nearby, in a hotel that had, until recently, been functioning as a refuge for those who had lost their homes. Thankfully the relief effort had found better ways to accommodate the homeless and temporary homes had already been constructed in what seemed like a ludicrously short period of time. In a way Kaidan thought it was still too lavish for he and Shepard to be given the luxury of a room considering there were still those who could use it more than them. Yet...he was tired. He felt hollowed out. He had tried to let the glitz and the glamour give him a night where he could forget the terrible things that had happened to them all. Ironically it had only brought them to the fore, reminding him that forgetting was perhaps the worst sin he could commit. He shook his head as he rode up in the elevator, as he waved his room key through the holo-lock. Tomorrow everything goes back to normal, right?

"Where the hell have you been?"

Kaidan looked up but couldn't find the energy to be startled. Shepard was sitting on a long couch by a lit fireplace, sunk back into the plush material, his legs crossed at the ankles and what appeared to be a book in his hands. It was rare enough to see paper nowadays, and he was so used to seeing Shepard holding a data-pad that the actual paper copy took him a little by surprise. He heard the door shut behind him and felt that he _should_ walk into the room more than wanting to by volition.

"Just walking around," he replied, undoing the buttons on his dress coat and shrugging out of it; it was pleasantly warm in the room and the stiff uniform was too constricting, "what're you doing in here?"

"Well I was waiting for you," Shepard said, following Kaidan's movements for a moment before he turned back to his book and continued reading.

"How did you even get in?" Kaidan asked, only half curious.

"Oh come on, Lieutenant," Shepard smiled slyly, not taking his eyes from the pages before him, "you insult me."

"Huh," Kaidan said, shaking his head once more, "maybe I don't want to know."

He contemplated simply going to bed. He was tired after all and today had grown old. He wanted it to be over. He wanted everything to go back to how it was, where he could ignore the places in life he wasn't made to be in and focus on the ones that he was. He wasn't a politician, he was a soldier. He despised the duplicity and the self-serving tactics that seemed to come with a Council seat. He liked to know where he stood and he wanted to be sure of himself and his actions. I need _sleep, _Kaidan thought with a deep breath, shaking his head as he realised he was once again thinking too much. Instead he found himself sinking down into the softness of the couch next to his Commander and staring at the fire as it licked up out of the vents in the fireplace. He'd hoped that the closeness to another human being would help. Unfortunately Shepard appeared, to all intents and purposes, to be quite content. What was supposed to come out as an uncomplicated query as to what Shepard was reading turned into something subtly more loaded.

"Why did you bring a book?" he asked, "We're only here for a night."

"...I planned on leaving the party early," Shepard shrugged softly, turning a page with his right hand, "and thought I might have some time to kill."

"Oh," Kaidan said, knowing he hadn't had the answer he was looking for.

"I told you it would lose its glamour," Shepard said, managing to refrain from sounding condescending.

"Yeah," Kaidan agreed tonelessly, "after talking to the hundredth person I'd never met but wanted to congratulate me on saving their investments, it certainly lost its charm. Did you speak to Anderson?"

"Yes, for about five minutes before he was appropriated by the Turian ambassador," Shepard said, "seems they want to take my recommendation seriously."

"The Captain as a Council member, huh?" Kaidan let out a long slow breath, "I bet he just loves that idea."

"He can love it or hate it all he wants," Shepard said with an 'almost' smile, "he's the best man for the job as far as I'm concerned. There isn't another comrade in the military I would endorse so highly, except maybe Admiral Hackett but he's pretty much indispensible right now. He's wise, honourable, level headed and loyal. And anyway, I don't trust Udina further than I could kick him off a cliff."

"Don't you mean further than you could throw him?" Kaidan asked, giving Shepard a sideways glance.

"I know what I meant," Shepard said, his eyes scanning the pages before him; there was a short pause before Shepard spoke again, where Kaidan stared at the ceiling and wondered what he was doing there at all, "We have our orders for deployment."

"We do?" Kaidan frowned, "When did that come in?"

"A couple of hours ago," Shepard said, "we're leaving in two days, well actually in," Shepard lifted his right arm a little and his omni-tool flared into life; he looked at it and continued, "fifty hours and twenty two minutes, to be precise. We're heading out on a few supply runs with urgent aid, the Feros colony is getting back on its feet but they need equipment and we're dropping off personnel, some engineers, some xeno-biologists who were interested in the Thorian," the mere mention of the ancient alien made the hairs rise on the back of Kaidan's neck but he suppressed the shiver, "also a few colonies whose supply lines were cut when everything went to shit. They're pretty desperate for food and generators and we're the fastest ship in the fleet after all. Then we're to return to Sol to rendezvous with the fifth fleet. We'll have a little free time while everything is sorted out; the Admiral is still recalling ships from the Attican Traverse and some of our best engineers are here on the Citadel helping with repairs. Once all that's done we're escorting the fleet out to Omega to set up research stations for the relay. Looks like a lot of work is going to have to go on if we're to understand how that thing works."

"I see," Kaidan said as he absorbed the information, "well, at least they're keeping us busy."

"You can say that again," Shepard said, "at least it'll give the crew a chance to go home for a little while. After everything they threw us into it's the least the military can do to give my people a little shore leave with their families before we're deployed again. I mean I'm not even sure how long this assignment will be and, truthfully, it's probably going to be nothing more than guard duty, supply runs and using our expensive scanners to...scan things. Seems a waste if you ask me."

"Beats using our expensive guns to blow things up before they try to blow us up," Kaidan said wryly.

"I guess," Shepard didn't sound convinced, "what about you? Going to visit your folks while you're home?"

"I suppose," Kaidan said vaguely; the last thing he wanted to get into with Shepard was his family problems. Change the subject, he thought, latching onto the fact that Shepard was a Spacer as far as he could remember. He waas more than aware that he was diverting attention away from himself onto something that Shepard would parhaps not want to talk about either, "you ever been to earth, Shepard?"

"Once," his Commander replied easily, making Kaidan feel a little less guilty, "three years back. The ceremony for the Star of Terra was held in Washington. I didn't really see much; a shuttle down, stayed the night in the officer's barracks. Captain Anderson was there actually, although he was a Major at the time. He had me over to his house, met his wife, Cynthia I think her name was, but I'll admit I wasn't the best company. He was the one who recommended me for the N7 program, so I guess he must have seen something in me, god knows what. I was deployed again two days later to help with the relief effort. The Blitz hit everyone pretty hard."

"I remember that," Kaidan said, frowning softly as he tried to recall the name, "the 'iron rose' ceremony."

"I think that's what it was called," Shepard said derogatorily, "never made sense to me why."

"My mom told me about it," Kaidan said, "dad went. Sometimes I think he was more proud of you than anything else in that damn war."

"There's nothing to be proud of in war," Shepard said, his voice holding steel beneath his casual tone.

"I don't know about that," Kaidan said but he didn't elaborate; Shepard obviously wasn't one to bring up his feelings on the honourable war hero with. Instead of continuing in a vein that would surely just get them into an argument Kaidan finally caved and went for the easy option, "what are you reading?"

"The Dispossessed," Shepard said, seeming quite content not to elaborate, "old story, 21st century. Ever read it?"

"No," Kaidan said simply, wondering what one earth Shepard was doing with a priceless book in his hands if he was telling the truth about the date of the novel, "what's it about?"

"The steady decay of a civilisation," Shepard said with a suitably wry tone, "through human error this time though. No giant alien races trying to wipe them out."

"Well, at least it's appropriate," Kaidan murmured back humourlessly, consciously leaning in against Shepard until they fit comfortably together. He let his head lean back against the back of the couch and revelled in the comfort even as he detested it. He closed his eyes and everything seemed to drift away. From one thing to another, no time to savour the victory they had won, no time to recover from the friends they had lost; straight from one war into preparing for the next one. He heard the soft, distinct sound of a page being turned and focused on the feeling of Shepard's arm moving against his as the man moved to deal with the book. Kaidan made sure not to lean too heavily against Shepard's recently healed arm yet the man didn't seem uncomfortable under the weight. The decision he made next was based on many things he would rather not think about but he said it nonetheless, "read some, would you?"

"What?" Shepard didn't sound exactly surprised or confused, more curious.

"The book," Kaidan continued, refusing to give away too much with his request, "I just need a distraction."

There was a pause, then slow, jostling movements next to him as Shepard appeared to make himself more comfortable. Kaidan felt himself fall closer to the man and didn't make any effort to move away. There was a pleasant rustling as Shepard flipped back to find the first page and cleared his throat. He began talking without any further prompt and Kaidan was glad. He wasn't sure how he felt about everything else but, right there and then, he was sure he could have told Shepard the truth and not regretted it. No one else, with the exception of his mother, could make him so at ease as Shepard could. Or so ill at ease, when the mood suited either of them. Right at that moment, however, none of that mattered. He felt all of his thoughts, his worries and his fears, become nothing more than a background itch as Shepard's voice began dictating the words of a long dead author whose ideals still resonated with the universe around them.

"There was a wall," Shepard began, "it did not look important. It was built of uncut rocks roughly mortared. An adult could look right over it, and even a child could climb it. Where it crossed the roadway, instead of having a gate it degenerated into mere geometry, a line, an idea of a boundary. But the idea was real. It was important. For seven generations there had been nothing in the world more important than that wall..."

* * *

A hand against his hair. Kaidan blinked open his eyes to find gloom before them. He lifted his head from the back of the couch and took a deep breath. He looked round to find the hand was attached to an arm which promptly helped him up from the seat. Kaidan, only half awake as it was, allowed the arm to lead him forwards, tripping over things in the dark and slowly becoming more aware as he walked. He found himself in a room with a wide bed and squinted his eyes as a low light slowly illuminated, revealing a tastefully decorated bedroom. He looked back to the light and found Shepard standing before him, his chest bare and his eyes dark in the dim lighting.

"Take off your clothes," he said, "I found these in the drawer over there."

He handed Kaidan some soft, folded nightclothes which the lieutenant took without question, sniffing absently and briefly shaking his head as he looked down at the garments in his hands and tried to focus. He undressed mechanically and then redressed just as mechanically, going through the motions as his fogged brain ran at half power. The pale blue was reminiscent of the hospital gown he had found Shepard in a few days before and the colour association wasn't exactly the best it could be, even though the pyjamas were very comfortable. He brushed his hands down over them and swallowed; when he next looked up it was to realise he had awoken enough to realise the situation he was in and that Shepard was already in the bed, under the covers, a soft glow coming from the side table as he put down his book and, rather humorously Kaidan thought, fluffed his pillow.

Kaidan hesitated, long enough for his Commander to notice. Shepard looked up at him with expectation, raising an eyebrow when Kaidan continued to stand there.

"Aren't you tired?" he asked, as if this were the most natural thing and not as surreal as Kaidan found it to be.

"I..." Kaidan started but then stopped, not sure where he had been going with the sentence when he began; after another awkward moment he sighed and rubbed at his arms. It was cooler in the bedroom. He shuffled towards the bed and got in slowly, "yeah, I guess I am."

It wasn't that he was embarrassed or that he was shy, it wasn't even that he was truly bothered by Shepard's off-hand manner. Instead it was a niggling fear, something that made him hate himself for even thinking about it. It was his fear to deal with and he wouldn't say that he dealt with it particularly well. The thought that when they had come together before, like two celestial bodies on an impact path with no way out, that it had been due to necessity rather than any real attraction that had prompted Shepard to zero in on him. Not that he doubted his Commander's integrity, just that he knew what stress could do to a person. The situation that had brought them together was a unique one and Kaidan couldn't help but think that now, in the light of a more peaceful environment, the flaws in their connection would be all the clearer. Such as the growing itch of paranoia that if they were caught, then, well...

"What are you doing over there?"

Shepard was asking a lot of awkward questions that night. Kaidan turned over reluctantly to find himself watched by two blue eyes beneath a frown. He shivered and pulled the covers further up over his shoulders.

"Getting some sleep," Kaidan said, hoping for neutrality.

"Oh, so that's how it is, is it?" Shepard asked dryly, obviously enjoying himself, "Only good for a one night stand am I?"

"What? No!" Kaidan could feel the heat in his face, "Shepard, really, that's not what I meant and that's really not appropriate, I just..."

He stopped talking because he realised how ridiculous he sounded. He let out a short sigh and tried to think about what he was saying before he said it. Shepard slid down from leaning against the plush headboard and placed his head against his pillow.

"I was kidding, Kaidan," he said, sounding a little condescending.

"Sure, well, could you kid another time please?" Kaidan said stiffly, "I'm tired and I'm not in the mood."

"Well you know what I'm in the mood for?" Shepard said back calmly.

"I daren't guess," Kaidan started but didn't get any further than that.

There was plenty of time to move, more than enough opportunity to get out of the bed or to raise his hands and push Shepard away. As it was Kaidan simply let the breath stick in his throat as his Commander shimmied across the sheets and pulled him into a kiss. He felt his body go limp and his eyes close involuntarily, his hand coming up to grasp at a bicep, the other fumbling against soft clothes. A warm tongue slid slyly into his mouth and he didn't stop it. Because this is what you wanted? He thought. He couldn't deny it. He refused to be that much of a hypocrite. Shepard pulled back, still half leaning over him, licking his lips and watching Kaidan closely.

"You want the truth?" Shepard asked; Kaidan hesitated too long and lost his chance to say no. Shepard leaned down and began kissing at the soft flesh of Kaidan's throat, "As soon as I got here and saw this bed, all I could think about was spreading you out on it and taking you."

"Shepard, for god's sake," Kaidan mumbled, unsure whether he was offended or incredibly turned on by Shepard's words, his whole body jerking as a wayward hand found his groin and began working him through the thin material of his pyjama bottoms.

"What's wrong with that?" Shepard asked, once more leaning back, "You think that's odd, Alenko? I don't know, I find you pretty attractive lieutenant."

"Do you really have to use titles in bed?" Kaidan asked, avoiding the question and trying to sound contrite despite his gasps of pleasure.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm sure we could find some way to make that interesting, I am still your superior after all," Shepard said with a small, devious smile; his visage dissolved into a frown when Kaidan looked away from him, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Kaidan lied convincingly, looking back to Shepard and reaching up to loop his arm around the other man's neck, feeling the hot skin beneath his palm. This is real, this is truth, he thought to himself, you can't deny yourself that.

"If you're sure," Shepard said, leaning down to kiss him again, "then let's make good use of this room while we have the luxury. Who knows when we'll have time like this again. Anyway, I can make it more enjoyable now I know it's not your first time."

"...That obvious, was I?" Kaidan tried to cover his mortification with humour; Shepard didn't reply but his silence seemed to speak louder than any words would have. The lieutenant just closed his eyes and allowed the man to continue.

In truth he couldn't really complain. He didn't have a large frame of reference for sexual activities but, so far, everything Shepard did to him made his skin tingle, or burn, or shiver, made his insides twist around in knots of pleasure, made him feel like begging for more, which he was sure he might have done on a few occasions. The fears he held inside were still there, still gnawing at the back of his mind, but they were suppressed, hidden beneath layers of ecstasy and simple happiness to have found someone who could accept him enough to risk everything for this one simple act. Shepard had no reservations where Kaidan was concerned and he thought that must have counted for something. Kaidan's actions may have come off as prudish but truthfully, if he would ever admit it to himself, he was just scared. When he realised the truth of the matter he was more ashamed of himself than he was of Shepard's behaviour.

"You know you're a deceptive little package, aren't you," Shepard said as they lay on the bed, catching their breath and trying to ignore the wetness and the stickiness coating their bodies.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kaidan asked, turning to face Shepard with a frown.

"Just that you seem all reticent and proper," Shepard smirked, "then we get down to it and you're far filthier than you let on, that's all."

"I'm a man of latent talents," Kaidan said with a quiet chuckle, trying his best to be at ease with Shepard's candidness.

Shepard trailed a hand up over Kaidan's abdomen, making the other man shiver. The hand continued over his chest, up and over on his left arm. Shepard watched him as he seemed to map out his body. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say and simply allowed the man his oddity. What Shepard said next, however, forced him back to reality.

"Don't know how to relax though, do you," he said; it wasn't a question.

"It's not exactly in my nature," Kaidan shrugged off the comment.

"Horseshit," Shepard replied easily, taking Kaidan off guard, "you're just...look Kaidan, if you don't want any of this," Shepard moved his hand back and forth between them, "you just have to say. I know the risks but then I'm used to taking them. I won't say that I'm a rebellious man, I don't always gel with authority but I think I've had enough duty pummelled into me over the years to know when to fall into line; but I know when a risk is worth taking."

"I'm not that...it's just that it's not, well, not that simple," Kaidan tried to argue, even though he knew it was flawed; you're just worried, he thought, that the risk isn't worth it. Is it fair to keep questioning it? Is this worth the career you've built with your own hands over these past years? Is it worth the home you've found on the _Normandy_? Is it worth the part of yourself you would lose if this all turns out to be nothing? You've already committed too much, you've already fallen too hard; aren't you scared this might break you all over again?

"Isn't it?" Shepard asked, continuing to trail his hand over Kaidan's cooling skin, his fingers leaving a trail of ticklish feeling in their wake, "I don't know, compared to all the other decisions I've had to make recently this one seems pretty straight forward to me."

"Well then maybe you're just not looking hard enough," Kaidan said stiffly, taking a deep breath and letting it out as a long sigh even as Shepard's eyes moved from following the path of his hand to staring at Kaidan intently, "come on Shepard, you're not ignorant of the consequences. If this...if it ever got out we'd both be finished. Or at the very least separated, if we're lucky. After everything else we pulled during the war with Saren it would be_ lenient_ if they only discharged us."

"So you're going to tell me to get out of this bed because you're worried about your career?" Shepard didn't sound impressed.

"Wouldn't that be why you would ask me to get out?" Kaidan countered.

"No," Shepard said, shaking his head and looking at his hand as he splayed out the palm against Kaidan's stomach and let out a short sigh, "it wouldn't."

"Hey, don't make me sound like an asshole," Kaidan said tightly.

"No need," Shepard said as he retracted his hand and lay back, seeming to stare up at the darkness, "you're doing a good enough job of that on your own."

"Fuck," Kaidan whispered out angrily, turning onto his side, "look, that's not what I meant, ok? I didn't...this is crazy. I don't think of you like that. I mean, no, that's wrong. I...I really like you Shepard. I, dammit I'm not good at this."

"Well that's obvious," Shepard said wryly.

"Would you stop the sarcastic comments for just a minute?" Kaidan asked angrily, making Shepard sigh in annoyance; Kaidan knew that there had always been something boiling below the surface but that one derisive action from Shepard seemed to force it to spill over the edge. He let his mouth run away with him without thinking about it too clearly, "ever since I met you all you've done is drive me nuts! I'm not used to people treating me the way you do, one minute I'm your subordinate and the next I'm your friend and then after that you've got me in your bed and then we're all going to die! I'm not good with relationships at the best of times but this is something else. There's so much behind us now but I can't help it, it's still there, laughing at me; Onterom, Virmire, I don't know what to do with any of it! I try and focus on something important and in the end it seems so bloody trite when we just end up arguing like kids."

Or sounding like preachy jackasses, Kaidan thought as he sat up and realised that he was ranting without purpose. Wow, yeah, he's going to respect you so much more after _that_. He wasn't sure whether he was thankful or not to feel the hand around his arm as he made to leave.

"...Then, if it's not a stupid question," Shepard said flatly, "what is it worth?"

It is a stupid question, Kaidan thought derisively, considering what it was asking. What was true happiness worth? There wasn't a price anyone could put on it. He felt as if he should be willing to risk anything for that, only he couldn't bring himself to be that selfish. Which was when he realised that not only were their priorities different but their ideals were too. Shepard wasn't selfish, his actions during his very prestigious military career were testament to that. He was just practical, Kaidan reasoned, he was a man used to working through a strategy in order to get what he wanted. He was a man accustomed to loss and yet he seemed to have dealt with it differently to Kaidan. He had become far more positive in his outlook, seeking out what he could get, keeping hold of it for as long as he could and never looking back. He weighed the risks, made his decision and that was all there was to it. Kaidan wished he could be that ruthless with his feelings. Instead he was reticent and calculated and sometimes inappropriately impulsive. He knew that and yet he ended up saying the next words without a thought for what it would mean.

"You want the truth?" Kaidan asked, echoing Shepard's earlier question; he let out a derisive laugh as Shepard watched him, "truth is sometimes I feel that I fell in love with you because I'm some sort of glutton for punishment. I just keep reaching for things I can't have and, worse than that, getting hung up on things that aren't exactly a priority. Dammit Shepard, we don't even know what's coming next. The Reapers, the Protheans? I mean there might be another war just over the horizon for all we know..."

"Wait, you..?" he heard Shepard speak but cut him off.

"...But even with all that it shouldn't have to be this complicated, should it?" he asked, wishing he could take his words back, "After everything we've been through, shouldn't it be easier? God, look at me, what am I even talking about anymore? Sorry, ok? I'm sorry."

The chance to leave never even became available. Kaidan wasn't embarrassed or angry or even particularly sad when Shepard sat up behind him and pulled him down against the mattress. He felt hollow; a small, insignificant thing amidst the vast chaos of the universe. It seemed a hackneyed perspective, yet sometimes he found himself wondering, just wondering, about the vast expanse that spanned outwards from him at any given point in space and time. Hundreds of thousands of worlds in hundreds of thousands of star systems in hundreds of thousands of galaxies. An infinite cosmos filled with birth, life and death, whether of people or of stars or the unknown.

And beyond that, dark space lurked like the monster under the bed. Just beyond the realms of imagination yet just close enough to the real world to be truly threatening. I'm here, I'm alive, and all I can worry about is whether this man beside me cares enough to see past my flaws. How short sighted can I be, after all I've seen and heard? How can everything around me come down to one decision which, in the scale of things, was truly inconsequential.

"I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times," Shepard said, holding Kaidan loosely, his right arm curved around his shoulders, Kaidan's head against the front of his shoulder, "but you think too much," truthfully Kaidan was just glad Shepard wasn't commenting on his rather casual use of the L-word and hoped they could just pretend that had never happened.

"Ha, yeah, well," Kaidan had let out the bark of laughter perhaps more as a cover than any real need to laugh, "you don't get any points for guessing that."

"You're making this a lot harder than it has to be," Shepard continued, ignoring Kaidan's attempt to derail the conversation, "and if it's some sort of reassurance you want then, yeah, I like you too."

"Is that right," Kaidan said, for a lack of anything better to say.

"Yeah," Shepard said, refusing to go any further than that, "it is."

You should say something, Kaidan's conscience supplied unhelpfully. Still, he couldn't get his brain into gear and, instead of replying to Shepard's candid statement, he kept quiet. He found himself stuck between the odd hollow feeling he had engendered and the seductive warmth Shepard's words had left him with. I really do think too much, Kaidan thought with a shake of his head.

So instead of answering he said nothing. He moved over onto his side and curled up next to Shepard, feeling the man's chest beneath his face, and went to sleep with an arm around his back and the offer hanging in the air above him.

He took it as a good sign that Shepard was still there when he woke up in the morning.


	2. Under the Sheltering Sky (part 1)

**Chapter 2**

**Under the Sheltering Sky **

**(part 1)**

As far as Kaidan Alenko was concerned, Malcolm Shepard taught humility the way a crash test dummy taught you not to get into crashes. With a ruthless efficiency that had no concern for its own well-being.

"I don't really know," Shepard shrugged as Kaidan's father Russell and his mother Joyce both looked at the man as if he were irreverent and mad respectively, "sometime after I was arrested for joyriding, I think."

How in the flying fuck do I get myself into these situations? Kaidan thought as he stared at Shepard, the spoonful of soup half way to his mouth. The three Alenko's continued their blank scrutiny of Shepard until the other man seemed to grow increasingly aware that the silence was genuine. Then he cleared his throat and tried to sound contrite.

"That was a joke," he said, taking a spoonful of soup and listening to Joyce cough politely as she smiled.

The fact that Shepard was even there was a bizarre factor, in Kaidan's mind, as was the fact that he had even been able to convince his Commander to visit Earth with the rest of them on shore leave at all. It was important that they should all go as a group he had said; solidarity, he was sure he mentioned solidarity. He had used anything he could in order to make sure Shepard wasn't left basically on his own, floating around the blue planet while the rest of his comrades were taking time off to relax.

What he hadn't banked upon was Shepard somehow turning 'come-on-shore-leave-it'll-be-good-for-you' into 'come-on-shore-leave-so-you-can-somehow-inveigle-y our-way-into-my-family-visit-to-make-things-even-m ore-awakward-than-they-already-are'. Or, basically, so Shepard could come on shore leave and be _Shepard_.

* * *

It had all started innocently enough.

A week had passed since their departure from the Citadel and things had been going smoothly, or as smoothly as they could considering most of the drop points they reached either had problems that delayed them or, even worse as far as Kaidan was concerned, a lack of gratitude. Kaidan wasn't sure if he was the only one who saw the tension building in Shepard but he wasn't exactly sure how to get at the man to ask either. There never seemed to be a spare moment for them to just talk, something Kaidan was very aware of.

The problems weren't, as the semantics suggested, a problem. The _Normandy_ had been selected as a relief vessel and she did her duty as was necessary. When the new generator delivered to the colony on Feros exploded half way through unloading their supplies, Shepard sent Adams and Grenado to fix it without any trouble. Shepard seemed to work better when there was a problem rather than a lack of one. It cost them five hours and it meant that Kaidan spent that extra time trying to ignore both where he was docked and his colleague's concerned glances. Yet it didn't matter. He'd been through worse, far worse; he'd experienced the Thorian up close and personal, something he still considered worse than the phantom memory of the bizarre alien. Then they moved on, now thrown off schedule, and managed to get nothing but insults, both subtle and unsubtle, from the following colonies they visited to deliver food, medical supplies, engineering expertise and even, on a two occasions, armed help. The first of those occasions had been when they reached Shanxi, their third stop. They found, soon after landing, that as quickly as the fleet had moved from the Shanxi-Theta relay in order to form a counter offensive against Saren, raiders had been plaguing the colony with attacks, both Batarian and Vorcha. It had been made worse only through the heavy anti-alien sentiment on Shanxi, what with the First Contact War basically starting there, and the Terra Firma party, or their more militant members, had taken this as a time to retaliate. It hadn't been an easy job calming the situation down, especially when they were only there as temporary relief and to inform them that the fleet would be delayed in their return to Shanxi-Theta. Kaidan wasn't privy to Shepard's meeting with the Colonies leader, a woman named Faraday who he'd heard rumours about being pretty hard line herself, but if the Commander's stony expression on coming aboard was anything to go by, Kaidan would assume it hadn't gone well. They stayed to help for as long as they could and Kaidan was ordered to take the marines in to clear out any resistance. Still, they left on a sour note.

Then Kaidan found out their next destination. It wasn't that he hadn't been paying attention, just that he'd been preoccupied with making up the supply packets, keeping the roster rolling while trying to make up for their lost time, trying to make sure he could keep a minimum of two of the engineering team free for their scheduled rendezvous with the next colony, as well as keep the marines ready in case of anything unexpected. When he'd finally managed to get round to the briefing for their next run, five hours out from being planet-side, it had taken him a few minutes to figure out why this might be a problem.

"Did no one feel the need to mention this?" he had asked himself, mainly because he wasn't sure who else to ask; it seemed obvious to him yet, the more he thought about it as he paced around the barracks in frustration, perhaps that was only because he was so inappropriately involved with their CO.

Mindoir. He was more than aware that he didn't know anything about the colony further than its tragic past and, to an extent, Shepard's own tragedy. It had been rebuilt, as far as he could tell, three years earlier and even some of the surviving colonists from the raid had returned. The thought made Kaidan feel uneasy. He had heard about what the Batarian's had done, implanting their prisoners, taking them as slaves. The thought made him sick and somehow he had to wonder at the fact, that people would ever want to return there at all, never mind those who had suffered through something that hideous. He hadn't known how to bring it up or even if he _should_. That was a long time ago, Kaidan tried to reason to himself as he continued with his duties, maybe it's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be.

Then he would remember the report. Shepard's parents, his sister and his friends had all been slaughtered in the Batarian raid. He was one in a handful to make it out alive. Then everything that happened on Akuze, Kaidan thought as he directed the relief team in the cargo bay, making sure they had everything they needed. Jesus, he thought bluntly, I'm kind of surprised Shepard isn't more fucked up than he is. Then he remembered Onterom and Kaidan thought it best not to think about any of it anymore.

He didn't get a chance to see Shepard until they had finished offloading the relief team by shuttle down to the planet's surface. He had found Shepard in the comm. room talking to someone on the vid-com. Kaidan left when Shepard gave him a quick wave and waited outside until his CO emerged from the dark room.

"Report Lieutenant," he had said, holding out his hand in anticipation of the datapad he knew Kaidan would hand him.

He had looked normal, was Kaidan's first impression, yet he knew it was nothing more than a mask. Kaidan was getting used to seeing Shepard's masks for what they really were. Even when his CO thought he'd covered everything up there was always a chink, a crack, some flaw. Only problem was Kaidan was never sure how to approach it.

"The first and second relief teams have been dropped, Westside and Eastside, sectors two and four," Kaidan handed Shepard the anticipated datapad and observed that the man seemed to visibly relax once he had the device in his hand, "next reports are due in 1545 and 1400."

"That's good," Shepard said a little absently as he flicked through the datapad. Kaidan wanted to open his mouth and ask who the Commander had been talking to, if there was anything he could do, if he was alright...but it seemed a pointless gesture when he knew what response he'd get. Thankfully he hadn't needed to ask, this time Shepard had actually spoken without any prompting, "Alenko, I need you to get the on call team prepped and planet-side in the next forty minutes. I've sent you the co-ordinates."

"Aye, aye sir," Kaidan said on instinct, taking back the datapad, pulling up his omni-tool and opening the file he must have received from Shepard moments before without noticing; he could have read it but instead he asked, "what's the situation?"

"One of the colonies outlying settlements went dark a week ago," Shepard said, "sector 12. The governing body said they sent out scouting teams but a few days worth of bad storms delayed them and they were driven back. After supplies began to fall low they didn't have the manpower or the ability to send out another relief effort. They've asked us to investigate."

"The team is already prepped," Kaidan said as he looked back to Shepard, "we can drop as soon as the shuttle returns."

"Good," Shepard said, again with that slightly distant tone. Kaidan had opened his mouth to ask what was going on but was cut off when Shepard continued, "get to it, Lieutenant."

Conversation over. Kaidan assembled his team and they did as they were told. Everything had been a little up in the air. He thought he knew how to handle this, he thought that, maybe, just maybe, things could be as simple as Shepard made out that they were. They were together when they could be and, when they couldn't, they were professional to the point that no one would suspect a thing. Only Kaidan hadn't realised how hard something like that was in practice. His torn feelings over Shepard during the war with Saren had seemed like small potatoes compared to this. Actually having him and yet not having him at all. It had been easier when they had been dancing around the subject, he had thought.

Then he had stopped thinking about it. Not because he wanted to, instead because he had to. They reached Sector 12, a small set of farmsteads on the outer rim of the colonisation project. The place was oddly quiet when they landed. He sent three teams of two out to scout each house and then, when they reported back fifteen minutes later, they found themselves standing in the middle of a completely empty compound while the sun shone down on them and the windmill generators behind them spun lazily in the breeze. It was worse, somehow, than finding corpses.

"None of you found _anything_?" Kaidan had asked his team with a frown.

"No sir," Barret replied, "although there is a signal on the radar. When I went to the co-ordinates I couldn't find anything sir."

They returned to the sensor blip which Barret had discovered. Kaidan ordered the rest of the squad to do another sweep, this time taking nothing for granted, and making sure they looked everywhere, even out into the fields themselves. He knew he was being overly systematic, making them do three sweeps, but he felt that they needed answers. The thought of going back to Shepard with nothing but ominously missing colonists made him feel a little ill. It had been sheer luck that he and Barret had even found what was creating the signal, in one of the large houses by the south field. Kaidan had been walking around what appeared to be a downstairs living room when he tripped over the corner of the thick rug, his heart jumping into his throat considering how on edge he had been in this ghost town. He had cursed after picking himself up off of the ground, kneeling and shaking his head with a small smile on his face.

"You're letting this get to you," he said quietly to himself, before pushing down onto the floorboards to get up.

That the floorboard shifted beneath his hand wasn't what surprised him. What it revealed was. Kaidan had pushed the couch out of the way and discovered some sort of hidden stash by the wall. At first it had simply made him feel more melancholy about the whole affair. They appeared to be the effects of a child: a toy horse, a small penknife and a well used, old model datapad which Kaidan was sure had been a hand-me-down. That was when he found it, the thing that must have been giving out the faint signal. The sight of it made Kaidan's eyes narrow.

"You're sure, Lieutenant?" Shepard had asked when Kaidan debriefed him after their return.

"We did three sweeps, sir," Kaidan replied, "and the most we found was this. There weren't even signs of a struggle. The place was just empty. When I found this it looked like it had been stashed, although I'm not sure by who."

He had handed over the device he had found hidden beneath the floorboards, a small communicator with a few basic functions, a voice recorder and a small amount of data storage. He knew that Shepard felt the way he did as he stared at it; or more precisely, the logo emblazoned onto its side.

Cerberus.

Shepard had reported back to Mindoir's governor and hadn't looked any better when he came out than when he went in. Kaidan had expected an update, maybe even some action they were to take, but instead Shepard told him later that it was to be passed on to the Alliance for further investigation. Sure, Kaidan thought as he observed the subtle glint of violence in Shepard's eyes despite his calm demeanour, it'll be _passed off_. He was certain that this wouldn't be something Shepard would leave to be eventually gotten around to by the Alliance military. After everything that had happened Kaidan knew two things: that Shepard knew how to hold a grudge and that he dealt with his grudges personally.

So he had looked into it, because he knew that was what Shepard would do anyway. By the time they had left their last port of call before heading back to the Sol system, an outlying colony on Demeris, he and Shepard finally found a couple of hours where they were both off duty at the same time. It hadn't taken any leap of the imagination what Shepard wanted when Kaidan walked into his quarters. The Lieutenant barely managed to get two words out before Shepard had taken hold of his waist and neck and kissed him so thoroughly that he nearly forgot how to talk at all. An hour later, as they lay in the dishevelled bed, either too tired or unwilling to move, Kaidan had brought it up. He didn't know if it was a good idea or not but he'd done it anyway.

It turned out that the two of the people who had been living in Sector 12 had been survivors of the raid who had returned to the colony after being freed from the Batarian slavers; Zabaleta Sharen and Harrild Church. Considering the lack of dead at the scene and, as far as their contacts could tell him, the interest surrounding the Batarian mind control devices, Kaidan found it a likely outcome that Cerberus was also interested in this technology. Kidnapping an entire village seemed rather severe to him, yet he was beginning to think that there wasn't much he could put past Cerberus.

"I thought you'd want to know," Kaidan had said as he watched Shepard read the datapad, his eyes hard.

"This is some...classified information, Lieutenant," Shepard hadn't sounded angry but it was difficult to tell if he sounded impressed either.

"Well, uh, yeah," Kaidan said, trying to see Shepard's face from the awkward angle he was at, lying against Shepard's side with his CO's arm around his back, "I didn't think there would be anything on the official channels. And we still have contacts from while we were gathering intelligence on Saren, it's really pretty handy, so..."

"Thanks," Shepard interrupted; there was a pause, during which Shepard put the datapad down on the bed and looked at him, "just...thanks Kaidan."

The kiss had told him everything he thought he didn't know from Shepard's words. The heavy affection tainted once more by that subtle desperation which Kaidan was beginning to think Shepard wasn't even conscious of. They had fallen swiftly back to the physical, Kaidan allowing Shepard to indulge himself without prodding his CO further. 1800 hours had come too soon and Kaidan almost, _almost_, found himself considering being late for his stint in the cockpit with Joker. Although I'll never hear the end of it if I am, Kaidan had tried to kid as he showered.

* * *

"You can't just sit up here staring at it out of the window," Kaidan said with a significant look, walking behind Shepard's chair as he returned his eyes to the datapad in his hand and trying his best not to stare at it anxiously.

"Or stare at it on the view screen," Joker threw in his two cents as he sat at the other side of the rec room playing what looked like Turian chess with Garrus; just like normal chess, only with an octagonal board, two levels and a heck of a lot more violence, as far as Kaidan could tell, "come on, it'll be fun Commander. You know, fun? That thing you're supposed to have every now and then?"

"I have fun," Shepard replied as he sat sideways in his chair and tapped his fingers against the table in front of him, sporting his 'almost' smile.

"Whoa, whatever you and the Lieutenant get up to is none of _my_ business..." Joker said raising his hands and smirking.

"Shut up, Jeff," Kaidan said absently as he continued to pace, trying to make it sound casual even as Joker's casual slight made him jumpy considering their public setting.

"All I'm saying is that sometimes you just need to get your feet on the ground," Joker said with a shrug of his own, "it's relaxing, you know? Puts things in perspective."

"Your pilot might be coming across as an errant philosopher," Garrus said as he moved one of the larger pieces near the middle of the board up onto the second tier, making Joker let out a quiet '_dammit'_, "but he's right. You can't stay cooped up here. Go down, be among your people, smell the air, see the sights."

"You forget I wasn't raised on Earth," Shepard said, his voice noticeably tighter; or perhaps it was only Kaidan who noticed the subtle shift, "there's nothing nostalgic for me down there."

"It doesn't need to be nostalgia," Joker said with a frown, "it's just...being one of the team. It doesn't matter where you are, it matters who you're with, right?"

"That's a gross oversimplification," Shepard said with a sigh, finally looking up to Kaidan and snapping out, "dammit Alenko, will you stop your pacing and send that fucking message before I do it for you."

Kaidan had stopped, more out of surprise at Shepard's sudden outburst, but instead of replying he sat down across from the Commander at the table and put the datapad down untouched. Shepard gave him a long look before sighing and looking away. It had been an up and down week, Kaidan knew that, but Shepard's mood swings were getting a little hard to predict. With the crew he was a consummate professional but with him...well, one minute he could be distant, the next professional, the next angry, the next horny, the next grateful, the next tender. Considering how little time they had managed to scrape together to be alone, fitting all of that into a total of four hours or so was pretty disorientating. Kaidan thought he knew that Shepard's reasons for being agitated about his hesitancy to send his message were pretty damned complex, but he still didn't appreciate it.

"Don't try and throw this onto me," Kaidan said, trying his best not to get too informal in front of the others, "you're the one who won't come on shore leave with us, sir."

"I don't need some pity party just because I don't have anyone to visit," Shepard said with a wry smile, making Kaidan feel bad for trying to force this idea on man in the first place, "besides, someone has to be here to look after the ship."

"You already know there'll be people here looking after the ship," Garrus said in a slightly sing-song hum, "you're starting to sound like Liara with all the excuses."

"It's not an excuse, I mean...oh for the sake of..." Shepard rubbed at his face tiredly and sat forwards in his chair, blocking Garrus and Joker from seeing his reaction; Kaidan was the only one afforded a view of the man's face.

The mask slipped, allowing a rare glimpse into Shepard's usually well hidden feelings. He looked worn down, drained. For an inexplicable moment Kaidan had to fight the instinctual want to reach out and touch Shepard's left hand which lay palm down on the table. Instead he cleared his throat and picked up the datapad which he'd been treating like it was going to bite him for the past hour. The message there was stark, black text on a white background. In truth he could understand Shepard's frustration with him. He was beginning to feel it with himself as well.

_Hey Mom,_

_Sorry this is so last minute but I have some shore leave from Friday night to Sunday morning and thought I could come visit. Let me know if that's alright and I'll book the shuttle._

_Kaidan_

It didn't get more simple than that. So what made it so damned complicated? He looked up from the datapad and looked straight at Shepard; the other man had already been watching him. They stared at each other for a few seconds before Kaidan stepped up and broke the silence. He lifted the datapad so that Shepard could see the interface and put his thumb over the large 'send' icon.

"Come down planet-side and promise us you'll relax a little," he said as he stood up, "and I promise to send this and stop pacing."

"I'm not in the mood Lieutenant," Shepard said flatly, "and anyway, I won't be blackmailed."

"Yes you will," Kaidan said with a smile, making Shepard frown in confusion; hoping that levity would be a good choice Kaidan went with it. Considering how taciturn Shepard had been it was difficult to know what sort of reaction you would get, "it's simple. Either I will or I won't. It's up to you."

"Don't be so juvenile," Shepard said, sitting back in his chair; Kaidan could see Joker grinning in the background while Garrus watched them with subtle humour in his eyes.

"Then you don't be so juvenile," Kaidan shrugged, "what'll it be Commander?"

There was something deadly in the silence that followed. It made Kaidan rethink his words but it was too late to take them back. What in the hell am I supposed to say to you? Kaidan thought as Shepard stared into the middle distance as if he were remembering something that made him too furious to talk. After another few awkward seconds he stood up and pasted on a smile.

"Fine, you win," Shepard said casually, "send your message and I'll go with you all. Happy?"

"...Yeah," Kaidan said a little warily, "thanks."

"No need to thank me," Shepard said with a sigh as he walked past Kaidan and left the rec room without another word.

Kaidan sat back down, looked at the datapad and drew a deep breath into his lungs. He pressed send and then let the breath out slowly. Well, we'll see if this was all worth it then, he thought. After fighting off hoards of Krogan, Rachni, Geth and even a goddamned Reaper, this really shouldn't be difficult, should it? he thought once more.

"You know you two argue like an old married couple," Joker said as Kaidan continued to look down at the send confirmation on the screen, "you should really just tie the knot and get it over and done with already."

"Shut up, Jeff," Kaidan said offhandedly, "and will you please stop with the comments already?"

"Oh I don't really care one way or the other," Joker said, smiling as he captured on of Garrus' pieces, "I just have a bet going on how many times you can tell me to shut up in the space of an hour."

"I have a hundred credits on twenty," Garrus said, making Kaidan roll his eyes, "so it would be appreciated if you could continue to rebuke your colleague, Lieutenant."

They hadn't talked since then, apart from a quick and very professional update on the _Normandy's_ system repairs which Kaidan delivered during Shepard's routine inspection, throughout which Kaidan would have been surprised if anyone could tell there was any ill feeling between them at all. Despite the expert deception, it made him feel a little hollow that they had so easily fallen into this oddly duplicitous lifestyle. It had seemed like it was only a few nights ago that Kaidan could remember he was the one being reticent in the hotel room, while Shepard tried to reason with him why about their staying together was such a great idea in the first place. His Commander seemed to be quite the manipulator, as far as Kaidan was concerned, which then took him in the direction of wondering about how and why.

It was then that he realised that Shepard appeared to know him far better than he knew Shepard. Which, on closer inspection, was something that he already knew but just hadn't wanted to think too hard about. Which led back cyclically to what had started this whole stupid argument in the first place.

Fuck my life, Kaidan had thought as he stared out the cockpit window at the Earth spinning silently below them.

* * *

"You're joining us, Liara?" Kaidan asked with a smile as the Asari bundled herself suddenly into the cargo bay, carrying a small holdall.

"Oh, yes," she said, seeming slightly alarmed and yet anticipatory, "I just have a few things with me. I didn't think...I mean we won't be staying too long so..."

"Ah, all you need is a change of underwear sweetie," Caroline Grenado said with a smile, patting a startled Liara's shoulder as she walked past and towards the loading area, "it's shore leave!"

"Please don't pay too much attention to my team," Chief Adams and a few more of the engineering crew appeared moments later, Adams taking a moment to stop and talk as his team followed Caroline, "they love to talk."

"Everyone knows that Engineering brings the party, Chief!" Caroline shouted back, making her superior groan and shake his head.

Kaidan took pity on Liara, looking like a rock amid the stream as the crew swarmed around her, and walked over to escort her to the shuttles. She smiled a little shyly as he linked his arm with hers but walked with him nonetheless. The shuttles had been running for the past half hour, using the _Normandy's_ own personal shuttlecraft and also another from The Ontario Alliance HQ where the current crew were being ferried to. Others were waiting for shuttles home from all over the globe but, as this was the first stop, quite a lot of the crew were simply jumping ship to the first major city in order to get planet-side.

"I've never been to Earth before," she said as they waited, "I thought it would be a unique opportunity to study human culture."

"Well, I'm not sure if shore leave, after everything we've been through lately, will give you an accurate picture of human culture," Kaidan said, "but yeah, go for it."

The shuttle arrived and everyone ploughed on like a group of unruly school children, chattering and joking and pushing and laughing. Kaidan called out for them to get in line, making them seem to almost involuntarily snap to attention. At least I haven't lost my touch, he thought as the crew boarded the shuttle in a much more sober manner. Considering it was the shuttle from Ontario HQ Kaidan just didn't want his crew to look like a bunch of rowdy assholes in front of the pilots. He was glad that they didn't.

"Um, Lieutenant, what did you mean when you said I won't get an accurate picture of human culture?" Liara asked as she reached up to pack her luggage into the overhead equipment storage, giving Kaidan a quizzical look, "Considering where I am going that seems a little unrealistic."

"Well," Kaidan looked around at the men and women who were also seated in the large transport shuttle, acting far more rationally now, yet he could see the suppressed excitement there in their faces, feel the tension in the air. He was sure that, after tonight, Liara would have seen both the best and the worst that human culture had to offer. He gave her a reassuring smile as she took her seat, "it's nothing. Don't worry about it. I'll see you down there."

He left the full shuttle and radioed the pilot to give her the all clear for take-off. He watched as the shuttle manoeuvred its way out of the open docking bay doors and turned slowly on its axis. Behind it Kaidan watched as the curved of the earth spun lazily against the black backdrop of space. It was something he didn't think he'd ever get tired of seeing. The night time landscape of North America, Canada and Alaska were aglow with lights, sparse clouds only visible where they blocked the glow of cities and towns. The earth was dark but also simultaneously bright with civilisation. He watched it as he reached down to pick up his own bag, small and compact, and checked his roster for the last trip in this time zone. He checked them off in his head, counting ten, before a sudden voice to his left startled him out of his wits.

"So, does it look any better close up?"

"Fuck me," Kaidan said under his breath as he slowed his beating heart; he looked to Shepard as the man stood there in his casual wear, unrepentant, "could you please not scare the living crap out of me?"

"Well that's no way to talk to your CO, Lieutenant," Shepard said, raising an eyebrow.

"My shore leave officially started an hour ago, Shepard," Kaidan said as he looked back to his roster, "I've just been helping out the pilots by organising the crew into shuttle runs. For the next couple of days I will take pleasure in not calling you 'sir', sir."

"Well, at least not in public," Shepard said quietly, after a quick glance around the mainly empty cargo bay; Kaidan gave him a look and Shepard just grinned. The man seemed to be happy to act as if nothing had happened at all, "and anyway, since when does shore leave count as my suddenly not being your CO?"

"Since I came up with the idea an hour ago," Kaidan shrugged, "anyway, I didn't expect you to show up."

He didn't have to say why, it was really quite obvious to both of them. Kaidan put the roster back into his pocket. The silence didn't last long yet Kaidan knew it was long enough to mean something. Shepard was a man of action, if nothing else he knew that for sure. He didn't waste time for no reason.

"Well, it was a deal, wasn't it?" Shepard finally asked with a soft sigh, "Anyway, got nothing better to do other than stay up here and watch Tali and Garrus try and talk to each other without being awkward."

"Sure," Kaidan said, rather noncommittally, "whatever you say, Shepard."

"Look, could we maybe not do this?" Shepard said, his tone a touch of irritation mixed with a touch of remorse.

"What? You mean 'this' as in fight, or 'this' as in us?" Kaidan asked spitefully.

The silence was definitely telling. He hadn't meant to snap and he regretted his words as soon as he'd said them, partly because they only exacerbated the situation but mainly because they were so very telling. Kaidan didn't think he needed Shepard to know his own turmoil any more than he wanted to think about it himself. He was tired, fed up, anxious about his parents, a little thrown by Shepard's constantly shifting moods and overall tetchy. Not a good mood in which to talk to Shepard, that much he knew. Thankfully he heard the 1700 groups' elevator arriving as the last of the crew for this shuttle piled out into the cargo bay. Shepard looked over his shoulder at them before turning back to look out at the earth as it sat beneath them, blinking in the darkness.

"Well, you are in a foul mood, aren't you Lieutenant," Shepard said, his voice low.

"Yeah, I guess I am," Kaidan replied with a sigh, wishing he could reign his temper in a bit more.

"You know you don't have to go and see your parents," Shepard said, fielding the conversation away from himself, "it was just a suggestion."

"I'd rather not talk about that, thanks," Kaidan said quickly, tacking on, "unless you'd like to share?"

"...Touché," was Shepard's only reply, giving Kaidan an unsettling look as the crew finally began crowding around them and Kaidan pulled out the roster to make sure everyone was present and accounted for.

Way to make things one hundred times worse than they already are Alenko, Kaidan thought grimly.

* * *

It had ended up the way he thought it would. They had been flown into Alliance HQ and processed through their system. Kaidan didn't think he'd appreciated the sight of the high mountains and the wide open, busy bay, filled with ships and long, swinging bridges. The skyline of Vancouver was something he found oddly comforting, despite the bad memories it dredged up. It's still home, Kaidan thought as the shuttle flew in over the city as the sun headed towards the horizon, headed for the spire-like building that housed the Alliance Control for this region. The thought only made him feel a sting of guilt as he looked to Shepard, fast asleep beside him, and thought of Mindoir. The dead farm, everything untouched, doors left open, machines running without anyone there. At least I have a home to go back to, he thought as the shadows played across Shepard's face.

Kaidan was glad that the crew continued their regimen of following orders and procedures when they reached HQ, considering they were unexpectedly greeted by Admiral Hackett. The grey haired Admiral informed them that he had taken the time to both informally thank the crew of the _Normandy_ but, obviously more importantly as far as Kaidan could tell, meet with Shepard. Kaidan had put his hand on Shepard's shoulder as his CO made to follow the Admiral and his retinue into the main building while the crew headed to the transport hub.

"Hey, uh, so you can find us," Kaidan said, typing quickly in his omni-tool, "here's my number."

"I already have your comm., Lieutenant," Shepard frowned.

"It won't work here," Kaidan said, noting that Shepard shifted a little uncomfortably on his feet, "it's...it's an Earth-net thing. Just, here, I've sent it to you. Call when you get out of your meeting and we can all meet up, alright?"

"Sure," Shepard said, an 'almost' smile quirking at the corners of his mouth.

Kaidan took that as a good sign. Until he hadn't heard from Shepard for the next few hours. They'd headed into the centre of town and, while they'd lost groups along the way, Kaidan found himself in a rather cosy bar he used to like called 'Gerard's', a couple of blocks over from the Sky-train station. Himself, Joker, Liara, Caroline, Adams, his marines Barret and Fredericks and even Doctor Chakwas had ended up in a big group together. They had pushed a couple of tables together and had fallen into the easy atmosphere of the bar. The lighting was low and the chairs were big, comfortable. The music was subtle but different, a little too young for Kaidan's taste but he didn't hate it. He was with friends, he thought as he looked around and took a swig from his beer, and he guessed that Joker was right about that at least. In a way it didn't matter where you were, but who you were with.

"And then she wakes up from the dream," Joker was trying not to laugh as he spoke, while everyone else was in stitches, "and she _is_ naked. Seriously, I'm not making this up! I'm not, it's true!"

"You're such a liar!" Caroline coughed out through her laughter.

"Would this face lie?" Joker smiled unconvincingly.

"Only to people who don't know it," Kaidan said with a grin, dodging to the side with a laugh as Joker threw his coaster at him, "anyway, another round? I'm pretty sure it's my turn."

"Yeah you cheapskate," Caroline grinned, ignoring Kaidan as he shook his head with a smile, "mine's a cherry brandy."

"I think I like the sound of that," Chakwas said with a smile, "make that two."

The others called out their orders, most of which Kaidan knew he wouldn't remember and would have to call back for. He couldn't help but laugh as he walked up to the bar and placed the long order, constantly shouting back to the others for reminders.

"That'll be forty two credits," the bar tender said once she had poured the myriad of eclectic drinks, set them out on three trays and rang it all through.

"Damn," Kaidan said after a whistle, reluctantly handing over his credit chit, "prices have gone up since I was last here."

"Thanks," the bartender said as she accepted his card, smiling in as conciliatory a fashion as she could.

As Kaidan waited for everything to go through he heard the telltale chime of his omni-tool. He pulled it up and opened it hurriedly. It's about time, Kaidan thought as he expected to see a message from Shepard. Instead it was something else, something he wasn't sure if he'd been expecting or not.

_Kaidan Alenko! Couldn't you have given me more warning? I only saw you message half an hour ago, I haven't been paying attention to the comm. today! Your father and I are going to head into town to Bruich's for dinner, I hope you can come and join us. We'll be there from about 8ish. We have a reservation so just as for us, ok?_

_Can't wait to see you honey,_

_Mom_

Kaidan didn't realise he'd been spacing out while looking at the message until the bartender had to tap him on the shoulder to return his credit chit. He took it with a quick apology and then distracted himself by ferrying the drinks over to the others. In a way there was a terrible pit of excitement in his stomach as well as regret for sending the message in the first place. He hadn't seen his mother in months, nearly a year now over the vid-com, and longer than that in person. You have to go, Kaidan said to himself, don't be selfish about this.

"Hey guys, it's been great but I have to head," Kaidan said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Aww, you mean you don't want your drink then?" Caroline winked at him, "Can I have it?"

"Sheesh Caro, way to make the Lieutenant feel wanted," Fredericks said with a shake of his head.

"Where you headed Lieutenant?" Joker asked as Kaidan shrugged into his black jacket.

"Uh, dinner, with my parents," Kaidan said, continuing quickly before Joker could ask any more questions, "look, Shepard hasn't got back to me yet about meeting up. Could you give him a comm. and let him know where we are?"

"Ok," Joker said, obviously realising he was being brushed off but not taking offence, "have a good one."

"Thanks," he said, swallowing before pasting on a smile, "goodnight."

He would have called a cab but it wasn't that far a walk and the last round had made a sufficient enough dent in his wallet to encourage him to walk. The air was chill but not cold, pleasantly so. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and breathed deeply. There was nothing like a proper atmosphere, he thought as he compared the recycled air aboard the _Normandy_ to the air of the city around him. Sure it probably wasn't as pure at the filtered air on board the ship but there was something about breathing in an atmosphere, the subtle smells that didn't make sense and yet your body told you were real. Like the cold smell on the air when it was getting close to Christmas, or the subtle shifting smells of the shops and restaurants you passed, the smell of someone's rose garden as he walked down a side street past a row of townhouses. It was home. Kaidan smiled and tried to psych himself up for dinner.

"Shit!" he said, startled, as his omni-tool once more began ringing; he answered it quickly, thinking it was probably his mom making sure he'd got the message, "Hey, I'm on my way..."

"Alenko?" Kaidan stopped short when Shepard's voice answered him; he stopped walking before finding the wherewithal to answer.

"Yeah, yeah it's me," he said, "what took you?"

"Oh, just had a lot to talk about," Shepard said evasively, making Kaidan frown as he continued walking, "I'll tell you later. Where are you?"

"I'm actually on my way to Bruich's for dinner," Kaidan said, feeling a little awkward, "but Joker and the others are at a bar not far from the Sky-train, it's called..."

"Actually I'm starving," Shepard said, "I'll join you. Where is Bruich's?"

"Uh, no, I mean, well," Kaidan floundered, "it's just I'm having dinner with my parents, so..."

"Great, you said your dad already loves me," Shepard sounded overly cheerful to Kaidan but the man was rushing off without him, leaving him no time to try and figure out what was going on, "I'm sure they won't mind, right?"

"Well, yes he does but that's..." Kaidan said, looking around him as if this was some sort of set up.

"Great, I'll find my way there," Shepard said before hanging up.

He was glad that only a few people were walking in the more secluded area where he had taken his shortcut, so that only a few people could see him gaping like a fish as he looked at his omni-tool and blinked. Fuck. _Fuck_. No, that's not a good idea. This isn't a good idea. He shook himself out of his stupor and tried to quickly call Shepard back while rushing towards the restaurant, hoping he could get there and meet Shepard before his parents turned up. No answer. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_! He thought, aggravated. Where in the hell did that come from? Shepard already seemed to have picked up on the fact that Kaidan's relationship with his parents wasn't in the best state and yet now he was pulling something like this out of nowhere? Why? Sure he was in an unfamiliar town but the others were just as accessible as he was. Kaidan closed his eyes and waited for the street crossing to change. Why does this have to happen now?

By the time he rushed to the restaurant Shepard was already there. Good, Kaidan thought as he weaved his way through the crowded street, heading for his CO, maybe I can sort this out before it even becomes a thing. Shepard was wearing a heavy green jacket and jeans, making him seem slightly unfamiliar. Kaidan didn't think he'd ever seen his Commander out of his regulation uniform before. Unless of course he wasn't wearing _anything_. Best not to think about that right now, Kaidan thought as he hurried.

"Hey, Shepard!" Kaidan called out as he stepped in away from the steady stream of pedestrians; he strode over and took hold of Shepard's arm when the man didn't answer. Shepard turned to him and, after a short pause, said one word.

"Kaidan."

Was it testament to how well Kaidan could read him or how badly Shepard was shielding himself that he could tell something was wrong just from that one word? He looked at Shepard and opened his mouth to speak but wasn't sure what to say.

"I..." he started, feeling his anger and agitation melt away in the face of worry, "what's wrong..?"

"Kaidan, honey!" a familiar voice interrupted him, making his agitation jump back into the fore as he looked to his right.

His mom wasted no time in hurrying through the crowd and crushing Kaidan in a hug so tight that would have made him swear she was stronger than he was. All he could see was a snaffle of blonde hair beneath his eyes and the smell of familiar perfume. He couldn't help but smile, despite the pitching in his gut at the craziness of the situation. He looked up to see his father standing a few feet from him, dressed smartly in a blue suit jacket and shirt with dark trousers and shoes.

"Hey mom," he said, returning the hug whilst trying to have her let go at the same time, "it's been a while."

"A while?" her tone wasn't livid but there was steel beneath the calm as she pulled back and half-heartedly smacked him on the shoulder, "That's an understatement young man! But never mind that, let's get inside, it's freezing. Oh it's so good to see you! I can't believe how long it's been!"

"Yeah I know, I'm sorry," Kaidan said with a nod, "Dad, it's good to see you."

"Yeah," it surprised Kaidan to no end when his dad nodded, sounding entirely genuine when he added, "you too son."

"Shepard," Kaidan turned to his CO; as soon as he took one look at the man he could see the mask was back up, eyes bright, smile pasted onto his face, "I hope you don't mind, mom, dad, but this is my CO, Commander Shepard, he's never been to Earth so I said I'd..."

"Shepard?" he heard his dad say, looking to the man as Kaidan introduced him, "Commander Malcolm Shepard?"

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Alenko," Shepard said, giving his father a smart salute, "and you Mrs. Alenko."

"Oh, hello," his mom said quickly, obviously looking a little lost at the sudden turn of events, "just Joyce is fine."

"It's an honour, sir," Kaidan suppressed a sigh as his father returned Shepard's salute before reaching out to shake the man's hand, "I didn't realise that you were commander of the _Normandy_ now. Kaidan, how come you never told me about this?"

"Well, a lot's happened," Kaidan said, "come on, let's get inside before they give our table to someone else."

Such a simple statement that contained far more than Kaidan could ever hope to understand: _a lot has happened_. It was a container into which he could throw everything he had ever been through. Jump Zero, his questionable days before he joined the military, the Blitz, his career, Shepard, Onterom, Virmire, Shepard, Shepard, _Shepard._ He wasn't sure where to start and where to end with things, yet there was still an unknown element within it all, enough of an unknown that it made him wonder when he had absorbed Shepard's life into his.

He held the door open for his mom and dad and then looked up when Shepard didn't move. Kaidan looked at him, trying to understand what was hiding behind those blue eyes. When he felt a hand grab his arm and squeeze tightly he looked down, realising Shepard was holding onto him as if he were afraid he might fall if he didn't. By the time he looked back up Shepard had let go and was walking into the restaurant. Kaidan swallowed before he followed his Commander, as he swore he always would.


End file.
